He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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