I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
