are you still at the devil's house?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
