i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
