question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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