I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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