I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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