i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My life is pants optional.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
