I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
