I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
