shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
