not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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