I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
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so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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