i jhust puked up my retainher.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
