im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
