Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
