Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
