The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
too bad you live with your parents still
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
