Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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