I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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