I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
