I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
