the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
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i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
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He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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