Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
