M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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