JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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