Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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