u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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