absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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