You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
