i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
