Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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