I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
