i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
