I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
