In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
