So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
