If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
