Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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