Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
