I wanna passion pit in your ass
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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