i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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