My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
