he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
