my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
