i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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