True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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