Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
