You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Your penis caused this!
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