please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
