I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
