My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
