I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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