I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
