she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
